Matt Flynn is Still A Back-Up Quarterback!

On Monday the Seattle Seahawks named former Wisconsin Badger Russell Wilson as their starting quarterback. Head Coach Pete Caroll said Wilson would start over long-time Green Bay Packers back-up Matt Flynn…

  • Realizing that he will never be able to avoid the state of Wisconsin, Flynn finally gave in and bought that cow he always kind of wanted.  
  • Matt Flynn was upset about the decision, but after being in Aaron Rodgers’ shadow for so long, is looking forward to a much needed sun tan that Wilson’s smaller stature will allow for. 
  • Wilson is excited to be in Seattle after a great season at the University of Wisconsin, saying that after a year-long hangover in Madison, moving to the coffee capital of the U.S. was a natural career progression. 
  • The Seahawks crowd, known as the 12th man for their ruckus support of the Hawks,  have already insisted on a new stadium ritual for their rookie QB. When WIlson makes a great play, fans will yell along to a karaoke version of the scene from Castaway where Tom Hanks desperately screams for his lost volleyball.

Clemens Can Only Throw 37 Pitches Without Steroids

The 50 year old MLB great, and alleged steroid user, Roger Clemens, pitched for the first time in 5 years yesterday, throwing 3 & 1/3 scoreless innings for the minor league Sugar Land Skeeters…

  • Clemens could only throw 37 pitches in his debut, not because he is old, but because he is no longer using PEDs. 
  • Appalled that the MLB would allow Clemens to return to baseball after steroid allegations John 3:16 sign refused to make an apperance at the game. 
  • Yes you read that right, he’s 50 and pitching for the “Sugar Land SKEETERS”. Quite obviously this whole thing was set up for a Enzyte commercial shoot. You can still ride the rocket ladies. 
  • In a post game interview Clemens seemed pleased with his performance, thanking the nearly 8,000 ‘witnesses’ for supporting him. 
  • Thrilled to get the chance to face the legend in his return, Prentice Redman of the opposing Bridgeport Bluefish took out zip-loc baggy to capture the wind from his first inning strikeout.

Testosterone Found In Colon

Oakland A’s pitcher Bartolo Colon tested positive for performance enhancing drugs Thursday, making him the second MLB player to do so in the past week. 

  • The recent positive tests of Colon and Melkey Cabrera of the Giants reminded other second-rate MLB players to leave the steroid use to the good players who can get away with it. 
  • In a desperate attempt to clear Bartolo of all charges, his lawyers forced him to have a black-market colon transplant which would allow them to make the semantic argument that Bartolo’s colon was the only part of him charged with the use of PEDs. 
  • Colon’s Oakland teammates are upset that the right-hander won’t be at games for the rest of the 2012 season. The A’s bullpen is particularly annoyed because they won’t be able to hide behind him anymore to avoid being called in to pitch. 
  •  Unlike other accused steroid abusers Colon has always been a large, beer-gut wearing player, making the “sight test” for steroid use a difficult one to apply in his case. After Thursday’s events MLB officials said they will now have to test even the most unshapely figures in baseball for PEDs. Sources close to the Philly Fanatic say that he has already been brought in for testing, with results due by the end of this week. 

The First (round NBA draft pick in 2013) Noel

Year after year the University of Kentucky gets the nation’s top high school players to join its mens basketball squad, creating speculation that they might be using illegal recruiting tactics. Today, SI.com reported that the NCAA visited the high school of Kentucky Freshman, and projected super-star, Narlens Noel in order to investigate how he was recruited…

  • SI reporters could not locate Noel in order to get his comments on the investigation, they did however talk with Gerald from Hey Arnold, agreeing he was the next best source. 
  • Raising some suspicion of foul play, Noel was seen driving around Lexington in a “pretty nice, used Nissan Altima, that looked in good enough shape that it coulda been a gift.” according to one Louisville resident who was passing through Lexington. 
  • Kentucky PR officials insist that the NCAA was simply asking the high school stat guy whether or not they should include Noel’s hair when reporting his height in the game-day programs. “When a failed father tries to buy his son’s acceptance with our overpriced program, we want it to be correct.” One official said. 
  • When NCAA officials returned to their vehicles after inspecting the New England high school their cars were turned over, set ablaze and topped with confederate flags. 
  • Now in the NBA, former Kentucky star Anthony Davis was approached by reporters in New Orleans who were eager to ask him about the Noel story. Davis’ eyebrow wouldn’t let him comment. 

NFL’s 28th Ranked Team To Be American Football’s World Ambassador

The NFL and its Jacksonville team announced Tuesday that the Jaguars will play 4 games in London starting in 2013… 

  • The St. Louis Rams were supposed to play across the pond starting in 2013, but the Mayor withdrew the team, not wanting his city to be associated with anything except the St. Louis Arch. 
  • It was said that Prince Harry had something to do with the Jaguars being chosen as the NFL team to play in London. He thought it’d be funny because they have the same name as many of his prized automobiles. Just laugh it’s funny, he’s the goofy one. 
  • A vacation in London is just the latest in a number of attempts by the Jaguars’ front office to get Maurice Jones Drew to stop his ridiculous holdout. 
  • The NFL’s best team, the New England Patriots, were asked to represent the NFL in London, but refused because the tea tax there is still too high. 
  • One Jacksonville fan was upset with the decision, while the other was indifferent. 
  • Fans in London are okay with the team putting 11 players on the pitch, but ask that they refrain from the use of helmets because they could cause injuries on corner kicks. 
  • Only the Rams, Browns, Vikings and Colts rank lower than the Jaguars in this season’s power rankings. So at least one of those shitty teams isn’t representing the NFL i guess. 
  • As a thank you to the city of Jacksonville, London Financiers sent a metric fuck ton of bangers and mash across the Atlantic. Patrons of Jacksonville are invited to partake in the elevenses feast tomorrow at EverBank Stadium. 
  • In less than a day the Mayor of Jacksonville has developed a terrible British accent, saying he was “chuffed to bits” about the recent agreement.  
  • Kate Middleton was seen wearing a sequined Jaguars jersey this afternoon becoming the only person in the franchises’ history to ‘pull off’ a Jaguars jersey. 
  • Queen Elizabeth laughed when asked about the team playing in London, asking if the sport had horses in it. The crowd of reporters golf clapped and forgot to ask follow up questions. 
  • "All Jazzed Up!" about the idea of playing overseas, the Mayor of Jacksonville thinks the Jaguars playing in London will allow his city to vie for host of the 2020 Summer Olympics. "London was good enough for the Olympics, and we’re more wheel-chair accesible than them, so i’d say we’ve got a shot." 

Not One But Two Females Allowed Into Augusta National

Augusta National Masters Flag

Today Condoleezza Rice and Darla Moore became the first two females allowed into Augusta National Golf Club in its 80 year history…

  • Some of the male members are angry because ‘“girls have cooties.”
  • Many male members brought cards and gifts to welcome the first female club members. However, most offered freshly uprooted Azaleas from the 2nd hole flower planter after forgetting the significant moment in these women’s lives until the last possible moment.
  • The women were barred from entering the clubhouse until the extensive collection of porn was removed from the second men’s bathroom, and a female symbol was attached to the door. In an act of common courtesy, the large tub of lotion and super-soft Kleenex were left in the lavatory for use by the girls.
  • The women played their ceremonial first round from the senior tee boxes causing the death of several older male club members. According to sources, their inflated egos were the only thing keeping their frail bodies alive.
  • Both women will be presented with their very own iconic green jacket when the club opens this Fall. Not wanting to be caught dead wearing the same thing as Darla, Condoleezza has already hired a tailor to make alterations.
  • The course itself is expected to play more difficult due to the arrival of the women because “ff it wants to get any play it will have to finally get its shit together and shave its scruffy greens.”